I just haven’t been able to put my thoughts in order. To much, to fast, so suddenly and unexpected. Every time I started to write, I found myself jumping from one moment to the next and realizing, the chaos was to much to be able to try and make sense of it. But it’s all coming together now. All the squirrelly pieces to this massive, infinity piece puzzle.
My focus with this blog when I started, was mainly to share our story of the struggles we’ve faced living with “mental illness” and how we are getting through it, overcoming and learning. My hope was to bring people together to shed some light on a very sensitive subject, more specifically, Autism, Schizoaffective, Depression and Anxiety. I put quotes around “mental illness” because I don’t actually believe this is what we should be calling “it”. “It” is so much more. It’s insight, untouched. It’s fear, realized. It’s our souls, screaming at us to pay attention, to listen! We are all in search of answers and we put ourselves through so much pain to find these answers when the whole time, we have been silencing them with pills and monotonous rhetoric.
For the last 20 or so years of my life, I worked to prove myself to certain people. I wanted to show them I was worthy. I wanted to be accepted and taken in. I’m not the failure some have labeled me to be. In all fairness to myself, I honestly didn’t think I was still being held hostage to my past. I’ve been in therapy practically half my life and I’ve worked through a lot. It turns out, “it” was much bigger than I ever imagined.
I understand better now, why there have been people in my life that have wanted to push me down. My light is very bright and sometimes it can be overwhelming and possibly taken the wrong way. When I love, I give everything and sometimes it can come across the wrong way. My love is a bit of a ‘shock and awe’ type of thing. It’s very black and white for me, you either love or you don’t.
I am worthy I am loved I am needed I am strong
I’ll try to write more.
I have been reborn and my gaze is set towards the sun-drenched horizon.
Namaste