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Anymore

Updated: Jan 31, 2023

It’s changing everyday. My life, it’s evolving and I feel like, just when I’m catching up, I’m still so far behind. It’s like the hallway in that scary movie that just keeps going and going. This new life is freeing and exhilarating and I’m learning and growing with each new, glorious day. I made it here, I got us here, we are here, home. We are home. But, there’s always a but, isn’t there? I guess not always, but in this case, there’s a but. I’m not sure who I am anymore. I’m not sure what clothes to wear, or how I should style my hair. I’m not sure where I’m going or what I’m doing. Lets be honest, what I did recently was quite profound. I didn’t have a choice. I knew then, I didn’t have any other choices. Others will disagree but, there were no other alternatives. I was on a dead end road, trying to keep going. Isn’t that silly. I had nowhere to go, nowhere to turn and yet I kept running. Running in circles until bravely, I turned my compass. Just a slight turn to the left, finally, a direction I could move in. I can breathe here. I don’t know if it’s just the health care or if it’s something else all together. Knowing if I stumble on this high-wire rope I’m walking, there’s a safety net below to catch me, gives me rest. My mind and my heart are not racing anymore. Everything kind of slowed down, became quiet. I can hear the crickets at night again and the moon is brighter than ever. The stars are closer than they’ve ever been and I’m certain, I’m on the right road but, but… I’m having a little trouble figuring out who the person staring back at me in the mirror is. You see, I haven’t been me. On March 13, 2010, I left ‘me’ in the living room of my little 2 bedroom apartment in McKinney Texas. My entire world, gone, changed into something entirely new and unexpected and it wasn’t pretty. There’s a love. There’s a love in my heart that connects me to my babies. When they hurt, I hurt. When they suffer, so do I and that’s what we have been doing, hurting. I’ve been stuck for so long in this tar pit people call mental illness that while emerging, I’m almost unrecognizable to myself. I’m actually very proud of myself and deserve a few accolades. In two days, I’ll celebrate a year without cigarettes. I’ll celebrate alone and honestly, there won’t really be any celebrating because there’s work to do. There’s always work to do and no one to really celebrate with so, it will just be another day. I look at myself in the mirror, and for the first time since high school, I’m happy with my body. I’ve lost 56 pounds over the last year and a half and I’m so proud of myself. In two months, I’ll turn 40. It’s a big birthday and I’ve been looking forward to it for a long time but, but I’m scared that I’ll celebrate alone. I’m scared that everyone I love is gone and there’s no one to share it with. These fears are not irrational, as I haven’t had a real birthday party in at least 10 years. Everyone I’ve ever leaned on, isn’t here for me anymore and I find myself really alone for the first time in my life. I don’t know why all this has happened. I do know that I’ve taken a lot of blame and punishment both from myself and others and I will not do it any longer. I’ve been fighting for so long, I don’t even recognize myself. I’m so mad at all of it. I’m mad and sad because my child didn’t go to prom. Because there wasn’t a system in place to guide me. I’m mad because no one listened! No one. I’m sad because I reached, I’ve been reaching and no one has grabbed my hand, no one. Where is everyone?!? This isn’t real right? My entire world didn’t fall apart right? I’ll wake up soon?

I don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want to be alone, anymore.


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